Month: August 2019

I get excited if I have a planned destination. It could be on an airplane to somewhere far away and exciting or it could be a car ride to a locale right within reach but still making me feel like I’m… Somewhere else.

Checking into the hotel, especially if it is really beautiful, top-notch or quaint with lots of colors and eclectic furniture and accessories is always a thrill. I feel like a bonus version of myself, extending all of my wannabe characteristics.

The mini size shampoos in the shower and the lotion… Discovering the spa-like smell of them and feeling like I’m in a boutique. Sitting on the edge of the bed and experiencing the feel of a different mattress… looking out the window at the sights and listening for the sounds and wondering where I will run the following morning.

And of course there is the cuisine. The thought of tasting something out of the ordinary thrills me and makes me feel like a world traveler.

But when it’s all over, the trip is complete, the fun has been had, the work has been done and the people have been met, it’s time to go home.

And every single time I do, the excitement and anticipation of walking on my own tile floor, grabbing a water out of my own refrigerator, turning on the TV and being familiar with the remote control and the channel numbers, and spreading out on my own couch watching a movie and being able to get up to go to the bathroom without tripping over a suitcase…

… and the ultimate…

… taking a bubble bath in my own bathroom which I adore cannot be beat.

I’m glad I made this place my home.

I’ve been battling around in my mind for such a long time now about what the next step is. How I can be a producer? How I can be more effective? Have I done and am I doing enough? Am I able to hold meaningful and intelligent sounding conversations with people around a restaurant dinner table?

Mid50s and wondering what have I done or what am I supposed to get started now?

I have daydreams… mostly during my runs that I’ve had people hanging on my every word or taking my well-thought-out opinion and putting it to use for success.

I suppose I’m thinking this today because recently I met up with some women about my age in a conversation about what we all do. They shared with me their education and where they are in their careers and how their jobs are very demanding and lucrative.

As women often do and as I did at this particular moment, we compare ourselves. I had not much to offer in the way of their conversation, which also included my husband and son.

But I can say this much…

I’ve not only started something pretty darn big but I fed it, I’ve nurtured it, I’ve brought it up, and I’ve helped the world be a much better place by being a mother to six individuals who will take what they’ve learned and offer their talents to help pave a better future for all of us.

I truly understand how important some careers are and having a dual income family is paramount, and how important finding a solution of having a nanny or daycare help for the children is. I have witnessed firsthand how this has turned out quite well in the faces of many individuals who are now old enough to be young adults with character. It is not necessarily a wrongdoing nor a dis-service. I get it. And honestly, I probably could have done it. And then now I would be well set to pick up where I left off now that my kids don’t need me in the same manner they did. Continue on seamlessly with whatever career I had decided to pursue.

But I did not. And I try hard to remember that I have no regrets. Because I never missed a thing and my kids became my career.

I am my own worst critic, the one who constantly questions if I’m done or doing enough and the one who kicked herself in the tail for not having done what she should have.

But lately I’ve learned to think more cognitively . And make things appear more clearly to myself. And I know that what I’ve done, and that what I’m doing, is what I should be doing and will continue to do. It’s enough.

In fact, it’s more than enough.

As I look back, I think I always felt that I just missed out by THAT MUCH on the cusp of something big.

As an aerobic instructor in the mid-80s, I had several people request to videotape my class so they could take the tape with them on vacation, plug it into their VCR and work out. I complied and thought that would be a lot of fun! I’d say I had about 25 to 50 people ask. FlashForward and Internet sensations and hard -Bodies physical fitness gurus are everywhere raking in the money.

When I started doing triathlons back in the late 80s in South Florida, I remember grabbing for my water bottle and wobbling on my bike and thinking how awesome it would be to just lean forward on my bike with my head and suck up some water from a straw. FlashForward… Not only is it a straw, but it is a complex nutritional system literally making millions in the industry.

As physical fitness became so crazy popular in the late 90s into the new millennium, there were so many fitness boutiques to choose from. I remember thinking how in the hell can everybody afford doing all the things they want and having to do it all at different studios?I thought… There should be something we can just join for one membership and be able to go to all of them whenever you want. Flash forward to “Class Pass” which is an app which allows you to do exactly that.

I remember the winter and spring months running while I was in college holding my big yellow Walkman and thinking how cold my hands were every time I had to grip it so hard. If only there was some type of belt or pouch I could put it in the able to run free with my hands inside my gloves rubbing my fingers together. FlashForward to all of the pouches, Fannypack’s and armbands carrying iPhones with music all around.

I remember in early the 2000’s just how it was little bit crazy with six kids under the age of eight and how people would say “I don’t know how you do it!!” I didn’t have a nanny and I worked part time and I had activities and sports and school functions and diapers and food to be served all in the same breath. I remember people saying to me “you should write a book or have a TV show.!!” Flash forward to “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. Sure, we weren’t five grown ass girls who were beautiful and perfect and materialistic, but we still had some craziness!

More recently, I had a really good friend who opened up a Pilates reformer studio. I remember thinking how awesome this area would be if we just had one of those. Flash forward.And there it is. Beautiful, complete with all of the necessary equipment, and enticing mostly women from around the area wishing , hoping and working to better themselves physically in a safe and effective manner, including myself who joined!

I really dead and do you have some great ideas. Maybe I just didn’t work hard enough to make them happen. That needs to change. It’s never too late!

I wake up every morning and run. And then I think of the classes I am scheduled to teach that day. Sometimes one, sometimes two and very rarely , but sometimes three times per day.

And then I think about all of the boutique fitness gym I belong to and I wonder how I will fit them in with my job. With the occasional photography gig, it further presents a challenge, although a very good one!

Then I ponder… Who exactly is coming to the classes I teach? What type of individual, at what age, and with what goals in mind?

I have been teaching fitness classes for the better part of 36 years now, beginning in college and continuing on as my second job, at times very lucrative, and now pretty much the only consistent job I have.

And I am now 56 years old!

And just to pump myself up a little here… If I do say so myself I teach a pretty good and demanding class!Sure, I stayed up with the new trends and even got in the necessary continuing education credits in them… Which allows me to keep my certification. I have gotten credits in yoga, kickboxing, TRX, and most recently completing a course in Barre and yoga.

I am by no means a professional at any of these! For example, I definitely have not gotten the hundreds if not thousands of hours as a registered yoga teacher (RYT) although I have certainly obtained those hours as a participant in those classes over the years and more.

I’m at the point now where I am surrounded by a plethora of younger, newly certified and educated instructors who are trained specifically in one area.

And most of them excel and kick ass in that one area.

For example, at the hot yoga studio I attend these instructors are trained after several hours away in a specialized environment for training and then come back and practice their knowledge with a class full of willing yogis. And it is awesome!

And then, as another awesome example, there’s Pure Barre… Where all of the instructors are expertly trained and educated on just exactly which muscles to contract and tighten and move just one more inch to exhaustion and strength . Who knew something so small could have such a powerful impact in the human body?!?… Their professionalism and obvious knowledge of the technique is second to none. These classes are exceptional!

So here I am. Mountain climbers, burpees, knees up and jabbing the air into the wall.

Fitness abounds. Everywhere. All over the place. I never started teaching it to be relevant, but because I loved it. And I still do.

And I can’t imagine ever not doing it. Both teaching and taking.

Relevance? Hey-as long as you’re there, it’s all good.

i bet that you can’t hear my huffing and puffing while I voice text my blog onto my iPhone. But trust me, I am 1.9 miles into a 6 mile run and and the weather is gorgeous, and I’m feeling it!!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how easy it would be to have all the money in the world. No, I don’t mean so much for material goods… But more for the means of peace of mind, somewhat serenity, less anxious and less worry about taking care of kids, ensuing expenses with those kids , both young and into young adulthood and also with the inevitable aging and all the fun that goes with it with ourselves!!

My catalyst for this particular blog is the recent death of one Jeffrey Epstein.

No, I certainly never did know the man nor, by the looks of it would I ever have wanted to. I don’t like people like that. Braggadocious, conceited , bombastic , and with no true moral character.

But then again, who am I to judge, right?

But yeah, I do. I did. Because what a good judge does is questions the facts right in front of her. And the fact is the guy should’ve had the world by the kahunas!!

Right?

I can’t imagine having that kind of wealth and being that miserable. And let me tell you why:

Very often on a run, I daydream about winning the lottery. And then yes, I feel the accompanying feelings of vanity and shame when I daydream for so long it gets the best of me.

But then I look back at my daydreams and I discover that all along all I was really comfortable by is the picture of everything I have right now , yet more. More in the sense that I would feel calmness and excitement about visiting my kids in different cities as they work, peacefulness in the same home I live in now yet with a little more placid feeling.

I tend to worry a lot. And question if I am doing enough, especially now that the kids are growing and don’t need me in the same way they did. I’ve battled around the idea of getting a job… A real job… Kind of like the one I had in my old life… But then reality strikes and I think “Who the hell am I kidding? I’m 56 years old now! Not exactly the new intern they are looking for!”

And then that is what leads me to the daydreams.

But I picture what I would do with my gotten gains. And it’s not big. It’s not in the extreme . It’s things like having a massage once a week, maybe even every day! LOL!

I’d give to my beloved St. Pius, the church who has been there for me.

I would stay in the same house I live in now, because not only do I love my home, but I cherish the memories it holds. I cannot imagine moving out of there. I can’t even imagine updating my home because the out-of-style faux painted bathroom conjures up memories of when it was done and the kids were all around and we were watching the artist perform her majesty.

Don’t get me wrong! I would most definitely feel comfortable taking my entire family… And I do mean my entire family… And we all know how big that is… On yearly vacations together. Because there is nothing like family!

Some people may say something like “oh you don’t know if that’s how you would be until you’re faced with all of that money!”

I guess there may be some truth to that, but I can honestly say every time I daydream about it these are the things I come up with in my brain.

Having millions of dollars and money that you could never spend in your entire life will definitely not bring you peace. I am certain a confident and secure individual would realize this and use it more as a means of security for the “just in case”. It’s not going to help your faith, it’s not going to bring you closer to God, and it most definitely will not buy you the happiness and joy of inner peace you so desperately crave.

I look at the pictures of Mr. Epstein, as they are flashing all over our TV screens right now and I feel nothing but pity for the man. I wonder what kind of turmoil somebody so wealthy could have had to make him become such a monster. It makes me sad for him.

This morning as I run in neighborhoods with beautiful homes, modest yet well-kept homes with crisp and tended to yards and cars in the driveway, swing sets in the backyards of some and dimly lit lamps in the upper corner of a room, I daydream.

And I imagine these are hard-working people, who wake up every day and have the gift of a beautiful family, and people around them who support them and love them.

And I believe most of these people have what money just can’t buy.