Month: April 2018

I don’t look back on my life so far with any regrets, but sometimes with a pensive attitude, thinking and picturing a couple of events, decisions, happenings and choices I just may have made differently. Like taking a left instead of a right. Some of them…well, I still have time. And I just may…

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

25. Always wondered what it would have been like to go to UCLA. Have no idea why, so I didn’t even apply. Loved my school in Virginia, but I played it safe.

24. Should have done theater. I love to perform. I would have been pretty good, I think!!

23. One time in high school, this boy, who was a free spirit, a drummer in a band, and not my usual “type”, asked me to jump in his Trans Am with him and drive South for the weekend. No plans. I chickened out. I’m still sure I made the right decision, but there’s just that little part of me that wonders….

22. I should have walked more at the beach when I lived there. Always felt like I needed to run, bust my ass on a workout. I saw the sun and water, but did I ever really feel and smell them?

21. Eat the cake. I should have eaten the cake. Always counting calories and the impending repercussions. I’m sure it tasted good.

20. I often wish I would have taken that proverbial year off to “find myself”. Travel. Live out of a backpack. Meet various people of different cultures and languages. Maybe with a friend, maybe not. One year off between school and the real world would have done me wonders.

19. Speaking of friends, I wish I would have been a better one. Best friend material. I never really had the really good, tell-her-everything type. No besties. It suited me mostly, but many times I craved it.

18. The vintage Levi’s with the bling in the store in NYC. They were so expensive…overpriced, but I do so regret not buying them. I think of them often and wish they were in my closet.

17. I probably should not have spent so much money on shoes in my life. Nah….forget that one. I love each and every pair. If you feel chunky or soft, just the right shoe makes you right.

16. Cars. I traded in way too fast and too many times. Stupid. Waste of money. Now I drive the same one for 12 years. I have evolved.

15. My wedding. I paid for the entire thing myself. I don’t regret the “Bone-In Chicken” choice, but I do regret the grand total. I’d get married small in a Catholic Church now and have a destination party somewhere else. If you wanna come….great. If not, oh well.

14. My boyfriend from college in Virginia followed me down to Florida after graduation. I should have told him I wanted to end it before he packed up everything and made the move. That was mean. We broke up 2 nights after he arrived in the Sunshine State.

13. Bedtime shouldn’t have been such a psychotic issue with me as a mother of my kids. But I guess it created order, so there’s that. But it also may have created some angst. A “Forest Through The Trees” issue.

12. I ran my first of 24 marathons at age 40 after having my sixth child.I did pretty well. I wonder how I would have done if I had started earlier?

11. Fitness has always been my passion. I often dreamed of owning my own studio/gym. I would have been good at that. They’re everywhere now.

10. My first-world-career passion was to be a TV reporter. I honestly should have tried way harder to follow through on that. I was on fire with the idea. But I wasn’t willing to pay the price of the low rung on the ladder in pay. I went for the money in sales. I made it, but I hated it with that same fiery passion. Money changes everything.

9. Speaking of work, being a mother has been the best, most rewarding path/career I could ever dream of. But, at this juncture, I’m beginning to think I should have kept my foot in the door somewhere. Trying to break back in is tedious and knocks a girl down a few notches. Self-esteem somewhat intact but taking a beating.

8. I should have gone to Moscow when my sister lived there. Big regret. Rome, too, with the family. Staying home with four young ones at Christmas time while the other three went has never been fully appreciated as a sacrifice.

7. I’ve been everywhere between a Size 2 and a 10. I look back and think “Who the hell really cares?” I wish I didn’t that much.

6. I should have told my coach in high school who dropped me like a hot potato when I was injured and couldn’t win him his accolades anymore that his opinion didn’t mean squat to me. I didn’t….I cried instead. But today would be waaaaaaaay different. I’d let him have it.

5. I never stay up late because I’m too worried about how I’ll feel the next morning. Fear of being non-productive. But I saw Jimmy Fallon the other night and I laughed out loud. Felt so good. What is wrong with me? I love to laugh!!

4. My kids don’t really know my nieces and nephews on my side of the family. Big, huge regret. Makes me sad.

3. Have to admit, sometimes I wish I was a little…softer. In speaking, in body language….just all around a little more gentile. Funny thing is, I’ve tried to be. But it feels phony. I’m working on a happy middle ground.

2. One thing I have no qualms over is the amount of pictures I have taken, especially as a mother. I only regret the pictures I didn’t take.

1. Have you ever been driving and think “I wonder what if would feel like if I just kept driving and ended up….wherever…even for just a couple of days?” You know, take the left when you should have taken a right? I do. Because I’ll always come back.

I’ve worked out for many, many years. In fact, I’ve worked out for far longer than I was even consciously aware of. As a kid, all I wanted to do was be outside, running around, kicking a ball, throwing a ball, scoring a goal, tackling someone twice my size, riding my bike as fast as I could until I had to break at the last minute, playing tag, Red Rover and the Danish version of Sharks and Minnows on the ice, even once having to head to the hospital in an ambulance after slamming down on the ice and cracking open my head. But I got him!!! I won!!

So, it’s always been my passion just to keep moving.

As I got older, other nuances entered the picture…like being a girl whose body was starting to develop and I hadn’t even realized it.

I’ll never forget when I came home to the United States after living Denmark for three years. I returned in the 7th grade. The first day of junior high was enlightening. I could see in the hallways the girls walking, and under their long blonde, brunette bouncing hairlines were the imprints of …gasp….a BRA!!!

Like, what the helllllll????

That is my first memory of being a…girly girl. And to be honest…I was not thrilled.

I felt behind the curve. And that day I went home and knew I was going have to tell someone I needed to buy a bra. I felt the burning embarrassment in my cheeks even surmising or imagining how my dad would look at me. I was his boy, his tomboy, and in reality, his last of three girls who somehow knew he probably wanted a boy and became that in my own head.

So we bought the bra at the PX on base. My mom and I.

Fast forward to all of the years in between: the years of a love of sports, a passion for fashion, and a quest to have the best body I could.

I was never the skinniest, nor the heaviest. I had the friends who were both. Body image dates back …way back. I never had issues with how I looked…or didn’t look…but I did feel there was something better I could achieve. So I worked at it.

I’ve had my highs and my lows. The funny thing is, I probably didn’t realize the highs until I was experiencing the lows. In other words, I probably did not fully appreciate my efforts and results because I always thought I could look, feel or perform better.

To this day, at the tender age of 54, I am always striving to stay active, to feel awesome, and yes…to look my best. It’s a little crazy, I know….because I’ve often heard people say things like: “What does it matter at a certain age, especially if you’re married?” Well, I just don’t get that way fo thinking, and I most likely never will.

I still get irritated with myself if I feel like a sloth, and not at the best me I can be.

But the reasons are different.

I was never a model on the cover of “Vogue”, and not even on “Shape” or “Runner’s World” magazines. But I would look at the ones who were and wonder what it felt like to look and feel that way. You know…that sense of perfect in some way.

The irony is once in a while I will find a picture of myself and think “Damn…I looked pretty good back then!!”, and then almost immediately I will flash back to that general time frame when the picture was taken and remember feeling soft, not as fit as I could be, and definitely no way in hell bikini-worthy.

And then I think “Idiot. I’d give anything to look like that right now!!”

My point?

Feel your power. Look in the mirror and love your efforts. Because it’s all just a snapshot of the bigger picture! You look better than you think you do…you are your own goal. Your body is your temple…on loan from God for as long as he deems necessary on this earth!! Treat it well, abuse it every now and then with a harder-than-hard workout followed up by the occasional sweeter than sweet Haagen Dazs Vanilla Almond Fudge pint.

Don’t dream away what you are right now. You’re awesome.

And so am I. 💪🏻