Do You Think I Want To Feel This Way?

“The light within me bows down and shines to the light within you”.

We all want to live in peace and harmony.  We want to love our neighbor and nourish our relationships with others. A world of trust and compassion , getting to truly know and understand each other’s likenesses and differences is a common goal among most, no doubt about it.  What a peaceful, kumbaya existence that would be, complete with sun rays , rainbows and a unicorn or two frolicking in the rose petal-strewn green, green grass of home!!  Namaste, indeed.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Watching the SAG (Screen Actors Guild) Awards literally had me shaking my head.  Once again, I find myself wishing for ignorance, and the blissfulness of it, as many of my favorites spouted off at the mouth their political viewpoints.  Just act.  Be cool.  I don’t care how you feel about the other stuff.  And I certainly do not appreciate you looking directly into the camera while accepting your award or announcing a winner and in effect, trying you hardest to condemn me because of the gut feeling I have. 

I already feel badly enough about it. Do you think I want to feel this way?

Yes.  I am talking of the immigration issue.

I am an #AmericanBadassWoman.  I love my country and all it has to offer.  I love my freedom.  I love being an American.  I love being able to be along for the ride pursuing the American Dream. I love to vote. I love to drive. I love to travel from state-to-state with Homeland Security on my side, never being offended by a pat down. I also love talking about God or raising my flag wherever and whenever I damn well choose.

And with this, I have come to expect, enjoy and RESPECT the security my country has offered to me.

I am a child of the military, so I probably have more firsthand knowledge of what it feels like to be looked at in a weird, unsettling way.  In my elementary years, I lived in Europe with my family; my mom, my two sisters and my Marine Corps father, who was attached to the American Embassy.  We drove around in a black four-door sedan with “CD”on the back, which meant “Corps Dipolmatique”, in essence, making us a mark, and quite often maybe even a target of disdain. I didnt’ realize it then, but I always wondered why I felt, even at the age of 11, a sudden surge of relief when we finally made it to the American Embassy to watch a movie, or to the commissary to grocery shop.  We usually took the train everywhere, but when we took the car, we were a mark. We stood out. 

We got looks.  Our neighbors didn’t like us, as we were the Americans living in the middle of their street, with the Cold War still looming like a phantom.  I picked flowers from my neighbor’s yard once and didn’t sleep for many nights after out of fear.  Most likely unfounded. Most likely.

And herein lies the sentiment.

Most likely our country would be fine with most anyone entering our country, no matter the color of their skin, their political affiliation or religious beliefs.  In fact, Lady Liberty has held her arms wide open for years with this mantra.  And we’ve welcomed them, as they’ve given us their  poor, their huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and the wretched refuse of their teeming shore.  We’ve welcomed these, the homeless, the tempest-tossed, and we’ve lifted our lamp beside the golden door to all of them.

But the earth goes ’round and ’round on its axis, the calendar changes, the wind blows and the world changes.

We are no longer secure.

We’ve been left looking for a common denominator, and asking ourselves what is it that has changed and left us feeling so afraid to leave our own homes? To dance into the wee hours at a nightclub, to attend a parade without gasping in horror every time we hear a big rig truck driving by, then breathing a sigh of relief when it passes? When was the last time you climbed aboard an airplane without at least a flash of “that day” breaking into your thoughts , unnerving you as you take your seat? 

The elephant in the room is the answer.

I remember the hardest class I ever took in college was Intro to Logic.  Honestly.  The HARDEST.  But one thing I do remember is the generalization of totality.  For example:  If a flower is pink, it doesn’t mean all flowers are pink. If Tommy’s Rottweiler bit you, it doesn’t mean all Rottweilers will bite you. If an immigrant was evil enough to blow up a building, it doesn’t mean all immigrants are the devil incarnate and will do the same. If one refugee who gained access to the Promised Land committed heinous acts against others, certainly it does not mean all refugees seeking asylum would do the same.

But when it keeps happening over and over and over again,  if the pack of Rottweilers on the street attack the children in the neighborhood over, there may be a pretty good chance the Neighborhood Watch may get together and enforce a “No Rottweilers Allowed” treaty on the street.  To protect their own.  Because it’s better to be safe than sorry.  For now, anyway.  Until we can get it figured out. And keep us all safe.  Including the refugees.  Including the gay man who so bravely came out only to be brought to his grave for living it loud and proud in a nightclub in the free country.  Including the non-married pregnant woman who, if living in another not-so-accepting country, would be forced to abort, or worse yet, stoned and killed.  For them, too.  For now.

And it’s hard to shut people out. 

Do you think anybody wants to feel this way?  Do you think I do?  Do you think President Trump wants to?  To disallow passage, entry into the greatest place on earth, the USA?  Do you honestly think he or others who support the immigration ban are that cold-hearted to look in the face of a most-likely innocent human being and say “So sorry, M’am, but not today.  Maybe tomorrow” and turn them away?  Really?

Well, you are wrong. 

But there comes a time to put ourselves first.  Make it black and white.  To protect our own, just as you would your own. For now, anyway. And to sum it up:  

“To protect the United States and its citizens from foreign nationals who intend to commit terrorist attacks in the United States. A visa does not guarantee entry into the United States. A visa allows a foreign citizen to travel to the U.S. port-of-entry, and the Department of Homeland Security U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) immigration inspector authorizes or denies admission to the United States.”

In all honesty, I am afraid. I want my freedom, and I want my security in my own country. And there is a huge part of me who feels badly for feeling this way.  I question myself and wonder out loud if I am a selfish monster who would knowingly look the other way if someone was in need. It’s not easy feeling this way, either. But there comes a time to take off the blinders and see the world for what it is, which isn’t always a euphoria.

Do you think I like feeling this way?