Sometimes I wake up feeling the problems, or those I have perceived as problems, still with me. I had hoped a semi-good night of sleep would alleviate that which travails me and worries my brain to the point of exhastion. Just knowing with all I have that my REM, however deep, will cure me of my angst. And then it’s stil there, making it harder to lean my shins over my very high bed into my in-house-only Danskos to be transported to the kitchen into running shoes which will further lead me on my welcome path of peace and clarity.
A run always works. I mean…like always.
And it also gives me a new sense of how my emotionally-tolling day before and morning-faced, although still my own, may very well pale in comparison to what others may be facing. And are facing. And handling mightily in a way I am not sure I could.
Nobody asks to be the shining example of what God intended us to be on this planet. I can’t imagine one person imploring Him: “Oh, God…please give me a test, a task so big it appears it may break me, so that I can show and share with the world my faith, my reason and my trust and explicit love for you, and be a shining example of how we all should be. The more horrifying and emotionally-wracking journey I am imploring of You. Like Mary, I want to be your hand-maiden, to help others see just How Great Thou Art.”
Nobody. Nobody would ask of that. And nobody with a sliver of compassion in their own soul would wish that on another.
Yet, daily, and now especially as we get older and time is marching, we witness it. The sadness, the horror and extreme helplessness in others who are facing momentous and gut-wrenching times, trying hard to keep the faith and hope , emphasizing their belief in the Lord, yet all the while fighting the fight and never giving up the race, right up until the end sometimes, if in fact the end does come.
I have friends, acquaintances, family members of friends of mine, and those whom I have come to pray for every single day, but have yet to meet in person. Sickness, cancer, horrific accidents, unnamed illnesses which ravage the body and heart attacks which end a life in a moment. None of these children of God asked for it to be this way.
I feel guilty, sometimes, as I follow along on their journeys. They have let me in, in one way or another, whether it be a closed prayer group, a Caring Bridges page, an update from friends, or some as open as social media like Facebook of which I am grateful. At first I felt somewhat a voyeur, staring in deep with bewilderment and wondering how they were coping, just how…HOW? Reading their innermost thoughts and feelings, not sure if I should.
But then it became and has become a huge part of me. They inspire me. Their hope. Faith. Love. And undeterred determination to see it all the way through with every single breath they take in a day. These ….these people, friends, acquaintances whom I now consider friends, are the beautiful souls who help me in more ways than I can count. They fulfill me and remind me of my faith, they make me want to be that “better person” of whom I have claimed to want to be on many January Firsts. They light something up in my soul, even though they never asked to.
I want to thank them, but that sounds wrong somehow. I want them to know how they have affected this often-worrisome girl. Somehow I need to tell them how they have helped me with my daily, now more deep and true prayerful life.
Because now I don’t pray like I used to, making deals with God, like: “Please, Dear God, please don’t let that happen to my family, and I will do this….”, but now like “Dear God, your will be done. Please grant to me the peace and serenity and clarity of faith to handle any situation which comes my way.”
So, now , hopefully , I wake up and take on a brand new day with that.
Love to you all.
jensumandthensome 