Month: January 2017

“The light within me bows down and shines to the light within you”.

We all want to live in peace and harmony.  We want to love our neighbor and nourish our relationships with others. A world of trust and compassion , getting to truly know and understand each other’s likenesses and differences is a common goal among most, no doubt about it.  What a peaceful, kumbaya existence that would be, complete with sun rays , rainbows and a unicorn or two frolicking in the rose petal-strewn green, green grass of home!!  Namaste, indeed.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Watching the SAG (Screen Actors Guild) Awards literally had me shaking my head.  Once again, I find myself wishing for ignorance, and the blissfulness of it, as many of my favorites spouted off at the mouth their political viewpoints.  Just act.  Be cool.  I don’t care how you feel about the other stuff.  And I certainly do not appreciate you looking directly into the camera while accepting your award or announcing a winner and in effect, trying you hardest to condemn me because of the gut feeling I have. 

I already feel badly enough about it. Do you think I want to feel this way?

Yes.  I am talking of the immigration issue.

I am an #AmericanBadassWoman.  I love my country and all it has to offer.  I love my freedom.  I love being an American.  I love being able to be along for the ride pursuing the American Dream. I love to vote. I love to drive. I love to travel from state-to-state with Homeland Security on my side, never being offended by a pat down. I also love talking about God or raising my flag wherever and whenever I damn well choose.

And with this, I have come to expect, enjoy and RESPECT the security my country has offered to me.

I am a child of the military, so I probably have more firsthand knowledge of what it feels like to be looked at in a weird, unsettling way.  In my elementary years, I lived in Europe with my family; my mom, my two sisters and my Marine Corps father, who was attached to the American Embassy.  We drove around in a black four-door sedan with “CD”on the back, which meant “Corps Dipolmatique”, in essence, making us a mark, and quite often maybe even a target of disdain. I didnt’ realize it then, but I always wondered why I felt, even at the age of 11, a sudden surge of relief when we finally made it to the American Embassy to watch a movie, or to the commissary to grocery shop.  We usually took the train everywhere, but when we took the car, we were a mark. We stood out. 

We got looks.  Our neighbors didn’t like us, as we were the Americans living in the middle of their street, with the Cold War still looming like a phantom.  I picked flowers from my neighbor’s yard once and didn’t sleep for many nights after out of fear.  Most likely unfounded. Most likely.

And herein lies the sentiment.

Most likely our country would be fine with most anyone entering our country, no matter the color of their skin, their political affiliation or religious beliefs.  In fact, Lady Liberty has held her arms wide open for years with this mantra.  And we’ve welcomed them, as they’ve given us their  poor, their huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and the wretched refuse of their teeming shore.  We’ve welcomed these, the homeless, the tempest-tossed, and we’ve lifted our lamp beside the golden door to all of them.

But the earth goes ’round and ’round on its axis, the calendar changes, the wind blows and the world changes.

We are no longer secure.

We’ve been left looking for a common denominator, and asking ourselves what is it that has changed and left us feeling so afraid to leave our own homes? To dance into the wee hours at a nightclub, to attend a parade without gasping in horror every time we hear a big rig truck driving by, then breathing a sigh of relief when it passes? When was the last time you climbed aboard an airplane without at least a flash of “that day” breaking into your thoughts , unnerving you as you take your seat? 

The elephant in the room is the answer.

I remember the hardest class I ever took in college was Intro to Logic.  Honestly.  The HARDEST.  But one thing I do remember is the generalization of totality.  For example:  If a flower is pink, it doesn’t mean all flowers are pink. If Tommy’s Rottweiler bit you, it doesn’t mean all Rottweilers will bite you. If an immigrant was evil enough to blow up a building, it doesn’t mean all immigrants are the devil incarnate and will do the same. If one refugee who gained access to the Promised Land committed heinous acts against others, certainly it does not mean all refugees seeking asylum would do the same.

But when it keeps happening over and over and over again,  if the pack of Rottweilers on the street attack the children in the neighborhood over, there may be a pretty good chance the Neighborhood Watch may get together and enforce a “No Rottweilers Allowed” treaty on the street.  To protect their own.  Because it’s better to be safe than sorry.  For now, anyway.  Until we can get it figured out. And keep us all safe.  Including the refugees.  Including the gay man who so bravely came out only to be brought to his grave for living it loud and proud in a nightclub in the free country.  Including the non-married pregnant woman who, if living in another not-so-accepting country, would be forced to abort, or worse yet, stoned and killed.  For them, too.  For now.

And it’s hard to shut people out. 

Do you think anybody wants to feel this way?  Do you think I do?  Do you think President Trump wants to?  To disallow passage, entry into the greatest place on earth, the USA?  Do you honestly think he or others who support the immigration ban are that cold-hearted to look in the face of a most-likely innocent human being and say “So sorry, M’am, but not today.  Maybe tomorrow” and turn them away?  Really?

Well, you are wrong. 

But there comes a time to put ourselves first.  Make it black and white.  To protect our own, just as you would your own. For now, anyway. And to sum it up:  

“To protect the United States and its citizens from foreign nationals who intend to commit terrorist attacks in the United States. A visa does not guarantee entry into the United States. A visa allows a foreign citizen to travel to the U.S. port-of-entry, and the Department of Homeland Security U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) immigration inspector authorizes or denies admission to the United States.”

In all honesty, I am afraid. I want my freedom, and I want my security in my own country. And there is a huge part of me who feels badly for feeling this way.  I question myself and wonder out loud if I am a selfish monster who would knowingly look the other way if someone was in need. It’s not easy feeling this way, either. But there comes a time to take off the blinders and see the world for what it is, which isn’t always a euphoria.

Do you think I like feeling this way?

Self-reflection is one of the most eye-opening journeys there is.  And there is no better way to self-reflect than to decide on what you want to do the rest of your life.

Remember when we were kids, and people would always ask “What do you want to be when you grow up?” 

The answers were always so pure and innocent, and rolled right off the tongue:  “An astronaut.” “A teacher.”  ” A fireman.” ” I want to play in the NFL”. ” I wanna be a policeman”. “I’m gonna be a doctor”.  “I want to be a cake maker”.  And the vision of a future was right there.  Solidified through the spoken word.  Reach for the stars, kids, and you can achieve anything you want to be.

Derailments happen along the busy path we call life.  Not everything happens the way we thought it would, neither in a bad way or necessarily good, either.  It just plain…happens.  Life gets in the way of some dreams,  and out of necessity and the crime of maturity, different paths are a must.

Not necessarily a dream-killer most of the time, but a reevaluation of life’s goals.

If you ever want to know just exactly where you stand with yourself, create a LinkedIn page.  Yeh.  Describe yourself in a catchy, yet professional and inviting matter detailing in so many words just exactly what it is you do on a daily basis.  Do you exaggerate….maybe just a little?  Do you highlight fleeting moments as if they were events which changed the course of a certain part of the world you live?  Like editing that one last wrinkle off your eyes in a photo, do you embellish just a tad?

Or better yet…have you ever decided you may need to get back into the workforce as a COMPLETELY different individual from who you were in your prior life and sit down to pen your resume?  Dear Lord.  If that isn’t a moment of reflection and introspection, I don’t know what is.  

I recently created my resume.  My hand hovered over the keyboard for what seemed an eternity, especially over the area of past employment and tasks.  It was like writing about a character I had read in a novel…I had no idea who she was.  She was somebody else’s creation.

And it got me thinking:  What exactly is a resume, anyway?  It’s what you have done in the past.  It was the old you, if in fact you have been out of the work force for very long.  This was the case with looking into myself.  I looked at the words showing up on the page as I typed and extolled the hard-working talents of one Jennifer Ann Welsh in her past years as a sales rep and sales manager, kicking butt and rising to the top while making the bucks.  “Hard-working”, “Goal-driven”, “Desire to excel” describing her to a pinpoint.

Although true, those old jobs don’t mean a thing. That Jen has long since gone away. She’s been replaced with a newer, just as hard-working, yet different model, with new goals and visions. Her, er, uh, my talents, are vast.

So, instead, I deleted all content.  I made a somewhat more refined resume.

Some highlights:

Work Experience:  CEO of a major corporation of 8 individuals.  Organized schedules, implemented tasks and kept the corporation running smoothly on a day-to-day basis.  

Pay: Pro Bono

Upward Mobility: Was promoted year after year, with increased duties and responsibilities. 

Reason for Leaving: Still employed. Yet looking to expand on experience. 

I am I.  I am the I now who came to be because of the I who I was.

So that hot-headed basketball player cost him an injury all because he let out his anger on a chair and is now out for quite some time. Games lost, competitive energy halted and paycheck garnished somewhat in future bonus earnings. 

Dummy. 

But who am I to talk?

I was once so bothered by something I considered unjust that I went into the bathroom and sat on the top seat of the toilet and gave the yellow and white striped wall one mean jab . Like a Rhonda Rousey jab. Obviously, I didn’t know my own strength.

Huge hole. 

Wasn’t injured. But I was afraid. Afraid of the wrath I would eventually incur.

Covered that bad boy up with a eucalyptus wreath. All it took was a little rearranging of the decor in the powder room.

It wasn’t until we moved out of that house that it was ever even noticed, and by that time, I had covered my tracks and made it something about hammering the wreath on the wall and “don’t you remember that?”

It worked. But the point is…

Don’t be an idiot. Go outside and scream if you need to. No sense in hurting yourself or vandalizing your own home.

#AngerManagement 💥

Sometimes I wake up feeling the problems, or those I have perceived as problems, still with me.  I had hoped a semi-good night of sleep would alleviate that which travails me and worries my brain to the point of exhastion.  Just knowing with all I have that my REM, however deep, will cure me of my angst.  And then it’s stil there, making it harder to lean my shins over my very high bed into my in-house-only Danskos to be transported to the kitchen into running shoes which will further lead me on my welcome path of peace and clarity.

A run always works.  I mean…like always.

And it also gives me a new sense of how my emotionally-tolling day before and morning-faced, although still my own, may very well pale in comparison to what others may be facing.  And are facing.  And handling mightily in a way I am not sure I could.

Nobody asks to be the shining example of what God intended us to be on this planet.  I can’t imagine one person imploring Him:  “Oh, God…please give me a test, a task so big it appears it may break me, so that I can show and share with the world my faith, my reason and my trust and explicit love for you, and be a shining example of how we all should be.  The more horrifying and emotionally-wracking journey I am imploring of You.  Like Mary, I want to be your hand-maiden, to help others see just How Great Thou Art.”

Nobody.  Nobody would ask of that.  And nobody with a sliver of compassion in their own soul would wish that on another.

Yet, daily, and now especially as we get older and time is marching, we witness it.  The sadness, the horror and extreme helplessness in others who are facing momentous and gut-wrenching times, trying hard to keep the faith and hope , emphasizing their belief in the Lord, yet all the while fighting the fight and never giving up the race, right up until the end sometimes, if in fact the end does come.

I have friends, acquaintances, family members of friends of mine, and those whom I have come to pray for every single day, but have yet to meet in person.  Sickness, cancer, horrific accidents, unnamed illnesses which ravage the body and heart attacks which end a life in a moment.  None of these children of God asked for it to be this way.

I feel guilty, sometimes, as I follow along on their journeys.  They have let me in, in one way or another, whether it be a closed prayer group, a Caring Bridges page, an update from friends, or some as open as social media like Facebook of which I am grateful.  At first I felt somewhat a voyeur, staring in deep with bewilderment and wondering how they were coping, just how…HOW?  Reading their innermost thoughts and feelings, not sure if I should.

But then it became and has become a huge part of me.  They inspire me.  Their hope.  Faith. Love.  And undeterred determination to see it all the way through with every single breath they take in a day.  These ….these people, friends, acquaintances whom I now consider friends, are the beautiful souls who help me in more ways than I can count.  They fulfill me and remind me of my faith, they make me want to be that “better person” of whom I have claimed to want to be on many January Firsts.  They light something up in my soul, even though they never asked to.

I want to thank them, but that sounds wrong somehow.  I want them to know how they have affected this often-worrisome girl.  Somehow I need to tell them how they have helped me with my daily, now more deep and true prayerful life.  

Because now I don’t pray like I used to, making deals with God, like: “Please, Dear God, please don’t let that happen to my family, and I will do this….”, but now like “Dear God, your will be done.  Please grant to me the peace and serenity and clarity of faith to handle any situation which comes my way.”

So, now , hopefully , I wake up and take on a brand new day with that.  

Love to you all.